Struggling Christian

I have been struggling with my relationship with Jesus Christ for some time now and I don't know what to do.

I remember 7 years ago when I first encountered Him. There was this huge fire burning inside of me that I cannot contain. I wanted to tell the world that He saved me. He saved all of us from an eternal death that we deserved. I wanted to warn everyone that Jesus is coming back. He is coming back but not as a Savior, but as a Judge. I did not care if I get rejected or if I get made fun off for believing. All I cared about was to preach the Word. Everyday I felt His presence. Through my devotions, He would speak to me. I was so amazed about how wondrous His works are. But a lot has happened within that 7 years. I had a lot of time in my hands when I was in High School but then College happened. Work happened. Life.. Happened..

I can't help but wonder, "why couldn't He just give us what we deserved? We did nothing but disobey Him, turn our backs on Him, do what He dislikes. Why can't He just condemn us?" I knew the answer was "because He loves us so much." Before, that would break my heart but I think my heart has turned into stone. Don't get me wrong, I do not want eternal death. I am thankful for being saved but how come I don't feel anything anymore?

I just cant comprehend how God can love someone like me. I'm no saint. In fact, I'm selfish. I'm apathetic. I have no compassion towards others. Why would He save someone like me? I'm not worthy of His sacrifice. I know I'm not supposed to be worthy because even if I try to do all the good deeds in the world, I will  never be worthy. But why? Why do I feel this way? 

My friends at church would remind me of God's goodness. All of which I already know but I just can't feel anything. I don't know what to do.

I wish it was 7 years ago..